1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:02,459 - Announcer: Know your candidates. 2 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:04,878 "let's be real" starts now. 3 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,799 - Larry, I'm so sick of these third-rate political ads 4 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,135 telling me how to debate. You're a pro. 5 00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,262 You know what works on tv and radio 6 00:00:13,305 --> 00:00:16,557 and whatever came before radio. I did a great job. 7 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,808 You saw the ratings and the polling 8 00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:20,561 on breitbart, 4chan, 8chan. 9 00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:23,147 - Well, donald, I thought there were a few things you said 10 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,983 that could maybe use rephrasing. 11 00:00:26,027 --> 00:00:28,152 - Rephrase what? It was perfect. 12 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,029 - Well, when you said that thing about 13 00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:32,698 "proud boys stand back, stand by." 14 00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,950 - I didn't say that. Tucker, did I say that? 15 00:00:34,994 --> 00:00:37,286 - Obviously not. Do you seriously think 16 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:40,289 just because you saw him say it, that means he did? 17 00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:42,875 That's what passes for evidence these days? 18 00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:45,294 - Rudy, did I say that? - Of course not. 19 00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:47,838 Who's blackmailing you? The ukrainians? The turks? 20 00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:50,174 Was it yusef, tall guy, eyebrows, scarf? 21 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,384 Did he mention me? - Kanye, did I say that? 22 00:00:52,428 --> 00:00:54,470 - See? They wanna take pieces of you, 23 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:57,380 like when gap called my leather running shorts stupid, 24 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,183 even though harriet tubman said they were lit! 25 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,978 - See that, larry? You're a disgrace. Lyin' larry. 26 00:01:03,022 --> 00:01:05,397 - Donald, you used that one for ted cruz. 27 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:08,233 - You get out of this room right now! Out! 9/11! 28 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,195 - Thanks, rudy. It's okay, he can watch. 29 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:15,115 Look, I got this down. Tucker, throw me any question. 30 00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:18,535 - Mr. President, are we close to reopening restaurants and bars? 31 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,371 - You're very rude. You're a horrible journalist. 32 00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,040 - How would you characterize the effect-- 33 00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:24,833 - that's a very nasty question. 34 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:27,169 You're nasty... And chunky. 35 00:01:27,213 --> 00:01:29,296 Your face looks like a depressed marshmallow. 36 00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:31,256 - Great job, mr. President, though I'm partial 37 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,133 to when you say I'm as dumb as a war veteran. 38 00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:35,260 - Anything I miss, I'll tweet afterwards. 39 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:37,471 - Donald, I think you need to be more positive. 40 00:01:37,515 --> 00:01:39,306 You gotta give 'em some real reasons, 41 00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:41,558 some things that you're gonna turn around. 42 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,269 - Look, I know the economy is gonna come back. 43 00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:46,555 I know these things, okay? I have a knack. 44 00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,273 I'm way ahead of you. 45 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:50,642 Did you know the virus was airborne in February? 46 00:01:50,653 --> 00:01:53,070 I did. I knew about it in December. 47 00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:54,729 I knew the bat that started it. 48 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,865 Not a bad guy. Just diseased. 49 00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:58,817 Listen, you have to admire him. 50 00:01:58,828 --> 00:02:01,370 He was just another bat in the wet market. 51 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:05,082 Look at what he built. Am I right, jared and ivanka? 52 00:02:05,126 --> 00:02:07,292 - Very nice bat. - A lovely bat, dad. 53 00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:10,170 ♪♪ 54 00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:16,176 - okay, joe, we just have two more of these. 55 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:18,679 Let's go over your talking points. 56 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,098 - Trump bad. - Beautiful. 57 00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:23,642 Okay, you just stand there, joe, 58 00:02:23,686 --> 00:02:25,435 and not be trump. 59 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,272 - Oh. Hmm. Kind of tight. 60 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,941 So, barack will just squeeze in next to me? 61 00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:33,152 - We've gone over this, joe. 62 00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:37,364 Barack won't be next to you for any of these debates. 63 00:02:37,408 --> 00:02:40,367 - Well, how the heck are people gonna know I work with barack? 64 00:02:40,411 --> 00:02:43,495 - Well, you could say something like, 65 00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:45,706 "when president obama and I were..." 66 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,457 - folks... 67 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,585 [sips] 68 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:52,504 barack and I, we're like brothers. 69 00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:54,256 Not in a black soul brother way. 70 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,216 Come on, I see what you're doing. 71 00:02:56,260 --> 00:03:00,387 Anyway, we killed osama, both of us, 50-50. 72 00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:02,931 I killed the top half, he killed the bottom half. 73 00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:05,142 Hey, so don't come here and tell me 74 00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:07,436 and give me that, you know, that non... 75 00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:08,937 Anyway, my time's up. 76 00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,523 - Okay. Very good, joe. 77 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:15,360 Leave 'em wanting much, much more. 78 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:16,904 - So, who's playing trump? 79 00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:20,365 - Well, joe, we couldn't find anyone 80 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:25,078 quite as dangerously unhinged and erratic as the president, 81 00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:28,207 so I settled on this rabid badger. 82 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,167 [cage rattles] - okay, let's see what ya got. 83 00:03:30,211 --> 00:03:33,212 [badger snarling] 84 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:35,130 that's baloney! Nobody's buying it! 85 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:38,217 [snarling] 86 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:41,253 look, this kind of thing, this rrarr-rrarr stuff 87 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,096 this guy tells you, you know the deal. 88 00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,098 He's not gonna do any of that. 89 00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:47,100 He's had four years to do that. 90 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:49,427 Come on, will you shut up, man? [snarling] 91 00:03:49,438 --> 00:03:51,355 ♪♪ 92 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,357 - thank you so much! 93 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,275 I can't tell you how absolutely snoggered I am 94 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:58,445 to have someone in the car again! Sugar ray himself! 95 00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,155 - Well, thank you, james, but I'm mark mcgrath. 96 00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,199 The band was sugar ray. 97 00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:04,117 - You wouldn't believe how difficult it's been 98 00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:05,577 to get celebrities in close quarters, 99 00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,829 but now everything's back to normal. 100 00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:08,497 - I mean, I don't know about that. 101 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:09,906 - Everyone's buzzing 102 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,166 about this banger of an election, and here I am 103 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,994 with one of the biggest stars in the universe! 104 00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:14,962 - That's kind of you, bro, but I'm just-- 105 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,964 - yes, you are! You're everywhere! 106 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:20,467 "celebrity big brother," "2013 celebrity wife swap," 107 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:23,637 um, etcetera. It's all happening! 108 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,097 May I turn on the radio for a scooch? 109 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,298 - Yeah. 110 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:29,184 Both: ♪ I just wanna fly ♪ 111 00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:30,102 ♪ like a birdie in the sky I'm so high ♪ 112 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,478 - perfection! 113 00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:34,314 "stairway to heaven" is a train wreck by comparison. 114 00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:35,399 This should be the national anthem. 115 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,442 - ♪ I just wanna ♪ [clears throat] 116 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:39,569 - sorry, was that a cough, luv? 117 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,447 - Uh, no, just a little, uh, popcorn in my throat. 118 00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:45,409 - Right. 119 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:46,576 ♪ I just wanna fly ♪ 120 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,161 oh, what fun. 121 00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,080 We're proper social distancing and such, 122 00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:52,040 to set an example. - Happy to do it. 123 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,834 - It's like you're being chauffeured. 124 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,168 I bet it's been a while. - You know, actually, 125 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:58,046 I drove a limo for "celebrity job swap," 126 00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,339 but it never aired for some reason. 127 00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:02,092 - Oh, I love that one! - [clears throat] 128 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:06,138 ♪ hey now, you're an all-star ♪ 129 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:08,974 - oh, so much fun. Sorry, mark. 130 00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:10,392 I was panicking, now we're glorious! 131 00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:13,312 But you really outdid yourself here! 132 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:16,231 - It's cool, james, but that's a smash mouth song. 133 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:19,067 - Beg pardon, luv, I can't hear. 134 00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:22,571 - It's a smash mouth song called "all star." huge hit in 1999. 135 00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:24,281 - Just bloody sing it! 136 00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:26,116 - ♪ hey now you're an all-star ♪ [phone rings] 137 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:30,454 - what? A real celebrity? Who? Are you serious? 138 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,372 He wants to do it now? Where is he? 139 00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:35,459 - Yo, let me in, fam! - Kanye! 140 00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:36,460 [brakes screech] 141 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:39,254 [thudding] 142 00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:43,091 kanye, I can't believe this! A music legend, 143 00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:44,801 and a genuine presidential candidate 144 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,345 in seven lucky states! 145 00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:49,014 - They want to silence me, but closed mouths cannot-- 146 00:05:49,058 --> 00:05:50,140 [car thumps] what's that? 147 00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,434 - Oh, a speed bump. No bother. 148 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:55,312 What shall we play? I so love "gold digger." 149 00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:57,272 - nah, I got this, fam! I'm here to fix 150 00:05:57,316 --> 00:06:00,025 what the politicians broke! Ah-choo! 151 00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:02,361 - [laughs] oh, that's all right, luv. 152 00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:05,322 It's an honor! Megastar spittle! 153 00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,282 - Check out my south carolina campaign speech! 154 00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:09,951 - Oh, I love this one. A classic. 155 00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:13,538 Both: "well, harriet tubman never actually freed the slaves. 156 00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:16,083 She just had the slaves go work for other white people." 157 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:18,168 [tapping on window] 158 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:21,004 - you guys got any bactine? - I'm talking to kanye! 159 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:25,083 ♪♪ 160 00:06:25,094 --> 00:06:27,928 - now, joe, your practice moderator 161 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,930 will be rachel maddow. 162 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:32,391 - Good evening, mr. Vice president. 163 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:35,811 So, here's how this is going to work. I'm sorry. 164 00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:39,272 Here's how this would work in normal times, 165 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:42,609 but we're not living in normal times, are we? 166 00:06:43,946 --> 00:06:45,562 - Is... Is that our first question? 167 00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:49,324 - No, mr. Vice president. The first question is, 168 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:53,286 how did we get here? The year was 1858. 169 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:56,581 The country was at a crossroads. - Rachel, dear, 170 00:06:56,625 --> 00:07:00,043 I said, if you take more than 20 seconds, joe... 171 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,420 - [snoring] 172 00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:04,047 - is he dead? 'cause I'm ready. 173 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:07,259 Got the oath of office right here. Just say the word. 174 00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:09,594 - Uh, no, kamala. - [mumbling] barack obama... 175 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:11,012 - Is he awake now? 176 00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:14,215 - For 35 cents, you can own a two-bedroom home. 177 00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:16,226 The beer foamed up differently that day. 178 00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:20,564 - No, no, joe tells longwinded anecdotes, even when sleeping. 179 00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,066 Doctors call it sleep meandering. 180 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:26,519 Rachel, please, get to the point. 181 00:07:26,530 --> 00:07:29,322 - And thanks to the invention of the telegraph... 182 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,491 Calligraphy, of course, has a very long 183 00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:33,034 and complicated history... 184 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:36,371 How much do we really know about guglielmo marconi? 185 00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:40,542 Radio waves... Someone we still want to be promoting in 2020... 186 00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:44,004 Which is how opium first became entrenched in our cities. 187 00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,547 Of course... - [snoring] 188 00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:48,383 - I guess they're all gonna be out for a while. 189 00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:50,552 Give me some volume and check for ticks. 190 00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:52,596 ♪♪ 191 00:07:57,060 --> 00:08:00,187 ♪♪ 192 00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,606 - and welcome back to "a.M. Sarasota." 193 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:05,066 it is 72 degrees and warm. 194 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,944 Looks like another winner. Charlie? 195 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,530 - Yes, it does. That's why there's no better place to be 196 00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,449 than here in central florida 197 00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:16,453 on the best midmorning show in the region. 198 00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:19,498 - You've got that right. And joining us here in the studio 199 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,742 are two of your favorites. You loved him as norm from "cheers," 200 00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:25,504 george wendt, and loved her on "sister, sister." 201 00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:27,005 please welcome jackee. 202 00:08:27,049 --> 00:08:28,215 - They are soon to be starring 203 00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,550 in the revival of "hello, dolly!" 204 00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:34,221 at the broadway palm dinner theatre in fort myers. Welcome. 205 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:35,263 - Thanks. - Yeah. 206 00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:36,973 - "hello, dolly!" 207 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,133 it takes place in a simpler time, 208 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:41,436 when women sought matchmakers to find men. 209 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,314 Nowadays, of course, that would be considered wrong, 210 00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:48,318 but people from that era were not bad people, were they? 211 00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:49,444 - Well, I certainly don't think 212 00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:51,396 that dolly levi was a bad person. 213 00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,573 I mean, for her time, she was, you know, quite... 214 00:08:53,617 --> 00:08:57,536 - Do you ever find that people often consider something wrong, 215 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,612 but then we learn that, 216 00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:02,332 to people from an earlier time-- 217 00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:05,752 even recent times-- it was 100% not wrong? 218 00:09:07,789 --> 00:09:08,505 - Well... 219 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:13,134 ♪♪ 220 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,264 - I'm sorry. What was the question again? 221 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:21,184 - Ah! So, you forget what was just asked of you, 222 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:24,688 so you'd agree, if someone tells an internal investigator 223 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:30,277 "I don't recall" once or even 15 times in his deposition, 224 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,405 it's perfectly reasonable. - Well, I heard what you asked. 225 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,365 I just don't know what you meant. 226 00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:38,910 - And so maybe there was some sort of miscommunication. 227 00:09:38,954 --> 00:09:41,496 In other words, what you think you heard me say 228 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:44,916 was different from what I intended, 229 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,086 so the obvious solution would be to let it go 230 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:51,256 and move on with our lives, right? 231 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,175 - I think what charlie is saying is, 232 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:57,971 we once thought it was fine to smoke on an elevator, 233 00:09:58,015 --> 00:10:00,140 and now it's not. 234 00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,475 Or if a man would close a bathroom door 235 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:06,146 to be alone with a woman, that was considered flirting, 236 00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:09,107 and now it's not. 237 00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,817 - Are you guys talking about your me too thing? 238 00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:13,987 - Me too? Really? In 2020? 239 00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:16,364 - With all the turmoil in the world this year, 240 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:20,327 between the covid-19 outbreak and black lives matter protests, 241 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,288 does anyone even care or remember 242 00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,874 the things we were obsessed about in 2019, 243 00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,334 like which white person 244 00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:32,380 may or may not have groped another white person? 245 00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,591 - Can you guys stick around for our cooking segment? 246 00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:35,967 - Uh... - No. 247 00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:37,010 - No, not really. - We can't. 248 00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:42,006 [button clicks, steel bars clanking] 249 00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:42,515 - we'll be right back. 250 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:46,094 ♪♪ 251 00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,437 - mr. Vice president, won't you consider 252 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:50,315 wearing a mask indoors or at least in the elevator? 253 00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:52,525 - The president's not afraid, and neither am I. 254 00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:55,362 We can't let our silly little fears get the best of us. 255 00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,489 - Yes, sir. - [clears throat] 256 00:10:57,532 --> 00:10:59,949 - wait! Come back! I'm alone with a... 257 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,951 [doors slam shut] 258 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,161 ...Woman. 259 00:11:03,205 --> 00:11:07,123 ♪♪ 260 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:11,252 relax, mike. It's gonna be fine. It's one quick elevator ride. 261 00:11:11,296 --> 00:11:13,963 ♪♪ 262 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,423 - good afternoon, mr. Vice president. 263 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,258 - I love my wife! 264 00:11:17,302 --> 00:11:22,305 [bell dinging, clock ticking] 265 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:26,434 dear lord, this has gone far enough. I have to tell her. 266 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:27,977 ♪♪ 267 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,145 - hello? 268 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:31,231 - Karen, I've dishonored you! 269 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:34,109 I'm in an elevator with another woman! Please forgive me! 270 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:37,153 - How could you, mike? Thou shalt reap what thou soweth! 271 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,198 Feldman! Yes, you! Come in here now! 272 00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:41,533 - Karen, what's happening? 273 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,535 - He's watching me brush my hair! 274 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,995 - No! - Too late, mike! 275 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,039 Now we're holding opposite ends of the doorknob 276 00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,959 at the same time! 277 00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:54,045 - Mother, I'm begging you, I'll never do this again. 278 00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:56,464 I'll have every elevator thoroughly vetted. 279 00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:58,007 [disconnected call beeps] 280 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:01,553 [sighs] I left her no choice. 281 00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,263 [elevator bell dings] 282 00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:05,056 [sighs] 283 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,891 ♪♪ 284 00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:11,229 oh, jesus, why are you testing me? 285 00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:13,606 [elevator jolts] [groans] 286 00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:16,025 - I think it's stuck! 287 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,569 [phone rings] 288 00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,655 - mike, I've decided to forgive you. Just come up. 289 00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:22,449 - I can't. We're stuck. 290 00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:24,826 - "we're"? "we're"?! 291 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:27,203 - [sobs] yes. - Feldman, get back in here! 292 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,205 And bring those maintenance men with you! 293 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:32,584 - No! [groans] oh, I've got to get out. Oh! 294 00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:35,336 I've got to get out! Got to get out of here! 295 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,504 [hyperventilating] 296 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:39,382 oh, hallelujah. 297 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,383 [bell dings] 298 00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:43,511 oh. 299 00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,263 Come on. [tapping] 300 00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:50,268 ♪♪ 301 00:12:50,312 --> 00:12:53,980 oh... Aren't you...? 302 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:57,400 - Yes, I'm widow von'du from "rupaul's drag race." 303 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,735 ♪♪ 304 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,361 - can't take the risk. 305 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:01,488 ♪♪ 306 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:02,322 [shattering glass] 307 00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:04,449 ♪♪ 308 00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,242 - announcer: You loved him on the campaign trail! 309 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,369 - "corn pop" was a bad dude. 310 00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:09,445 If you can't figure out if you're for me or trump, 311 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,039 you ain't black. 312 00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,574 Poor kids are just as bright as white kids. 313 00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:17,420 - Announcer: Now, joe biden has his own brand new game show! 314 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,339 - I like barbecue, I'm a pretty good dancer, 315 00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,132 my team's the miami heat, 316 00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:22,300 I do a lot of shopping at patagonia... 317 00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:25,720 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 318 00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:28,097 - I enjoy hip hop, I went to howard university, 319 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,265 and I like bar trivia. 320 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,476 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 321 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,229 Hey, look, I mean, I misspoke, okay, 322 00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:37,315 when I said not voting for me makes you not black. 323 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:40,193 I know there are all kinds of things that make you not black, 324 00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:43,905 so let's have some fun and win some money! 325 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:45,114 - I was born and raised in atlanta, 326 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,315 my dad's a security guard... 327 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,910 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 328 00:13:48,954 --> 00:13:51,329 - Well, I drive a chevy, I'm a side sleeper... 329 00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:53,623 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 330 00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:56,000 - How does side sleeping make me not...? 331 00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:58,211 - My judgments are final. Too bad. 332 00:13:58,255 --> 00:14:00,505 She was just three black attributes away 333 00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:03,007 from winning the $10,000. 334 00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:04,217 - I like stew... 335 00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,969 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 336 00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,178 - I'm 6'1"... 337 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:10,181 [buzzer] - you ain't black! 338 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,267 - I'm not playing this game. 339 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:15,395 I mean, the whole premise is offensive. Who are you... 340 00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,605 Who is anyone to presume 341 00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:20,066 to determine another individual's identity? 342 00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:23,194 - [sighs] you know, thank you. 343 00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:25,238 I think I just learned something here 344 00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:28,199 about how no person's race defines him, 345 00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:31,870 that there are all kinds of varieties within any race 346 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,372 and that folks need to be treated like they're unique, 347 00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,166 'cause they are. I also learned... 348 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,002 [buzzer] you ain't black! 349 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,295 ♪♪ 350 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:43,548 - well, that quote/unquote comedy skit 351 00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:45,383 was simply appalling. 352 00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:48,386 Hey, look, I enjoy a good comedy 353 00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:50,388 when it's about conservatives, 354 00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:54,225 but that is not the joe biden I know, 355 00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:57,186 the joe biden who thinks everyone is black, 356 00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,315 and in protest, I'm wearing this scarf 357 00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:03,234 featuring the cast of "moesha." 358 00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:05,320 ♪♪ - we're back. 359 00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:09,198 - Rolf, tell us what you've done with this chicken. 360 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,117 - I soaked it in a brine solution 361 00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,577 before separating the skin 362 00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:15,413 and stuffed it with a peppers and basil paste. 363 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:17,332 - And it just sat there and let you? 364 00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,334 - Well, yes. 365 00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:22,003 - Because sometimes you assume a chicken is okay 366 00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,504 with what you're doing, 367 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,382 because they're not openly objecting to it, 368 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,384 and then, years later, 369 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,971 they're using new terms like "power imbalance." 370 00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,223 - it--it makes the skin crispier. 371 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:38,269 - All right. Well, I can't wait to sink my teeth into it. 372 00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:42,273 - I hear you. Can't wait to get my face all up in that. 373 00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,359 George, you want in on this? 374 00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:47,403 - I don't eat chicken... 375 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,030 From now on. 376 00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:51,366 ♪♪ 377 00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:58,581 - larry, this next debate, I'm gonna destroy him, 378 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,291 'cause we have an audience. 379 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,168 - Donald, there's-- there's no audience. 380 00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,504 - No, but we get cardboard cutouts. 381 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,255 Each side gets cutouts. 382 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,341 Look who we're gonna have on our side. 383 00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:09,842 In the front row... 384 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,887 Look at this. Huge stars. Tom hanks. See? 385 00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,598 No more antonio sabato jr. For once. 386 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,633 John wayne, great guy. 387 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,018 Charlie chaplin... 388 00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:21,604 Tucker carlson, kind of a [bleep], 389 00:16:21,690 --> 00:16:23,648 but people love him. Not sure why. 390 00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:26,401 - Sir, I'm actually here. - Oh, great. Okay. 391 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:27,986 I picked these myself. 392 00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:30,446 Here's jesus. I got the great blacks. 393 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,074 Martin luther king, malcolm x... 394 00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,367 - Donald, that's not malcolm x. 395 00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:36,369 That's the guy from "this is us." 396 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,621 - what? There's another black guy with glasses? 397 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,123 Will anyone notice? 398 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,541 - Not a chance! Idiots! 399 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,252 - Ivanka? - I recognize my dad's racism 400 00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:46,004 may not be to everyone's taste, 401 00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:48,006 but the results speak for themselves. 402 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:50,416 - Let's see biden top malcolm x. 403 00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:52,468 - Biden's got the real tom hanks! 404 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,304 All the biggies, like me, 30 years ago. 405 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,591 - Where does biden get off? Biden was vice president. 406 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:01,102 That doesn't make him qualified to be president. 407 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:04,814 I see how it all works. All the vp does is stand there, 408 00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:08,276 nodding nervously while the president watches tv and tweets. 409 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:11,487 It's a moron's job. Vice presidents are nothing 410 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:14,157 but spineless, homophobic religious nuts 411 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,950 who weep uncontrollably 412 00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:19,070 every time I show them a picture of my ex-wife's boobs. 413 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,163 Anyway, mike... - Yes, sir? 414 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,498 - Better start prepping for your debate. 415 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,251 They're gonna kill you on how you handled the china virus. 416 00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:28,546 I tried to defend you, but you really dropped the ball. 417 00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:32,300 - Yes, sir, I apologize. - Donald, you put him in charge. 418 00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:35,428 - Excuse me, crazy crooked larry. 419 00:17:35,463 --> 00:17:37,263 - Hey, call me whatever you want. You screwed up, 420 00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:39,548 and you know what? You're gonna lose. 421 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,434 - Really? I can call you whatever I want? 422 00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:45,021 Even what I call jared when he says he can't work on saturdays? 423 00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,148 - You're ten points behind. 424 00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:50,526 I got a nickname for you. One-term donald. 425 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,112 ♪♪ 426 00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:55,940 - he's right. I'm not gonna catch up this way. 427 00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:59,577 I gotta get back to doing what I did in 2016. 428 00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,412 I need to make some calls. 429 00:18:01,456 --> 00:18:05,124 Hi, stormy. Guess who? - Oh, god. 430 00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,293 - Close. Anyway, I need your help. 431 00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:10,379 I'm trying to recapture the magic of 2016 432 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,091 and recreate everything that happened that helped me win. 433 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,176 - What? 434 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,304 - I want to pay you hush money like I did in 2016. 435 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,506 - Okay, sure. - But I guess we need 436 00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:23,476 to have sex again to make it clean. 437 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,270 - That is absolutely never gonna happen. 438 00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:28,722 - I guess I should thank you for not telling everyone 439 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:31,192 some of the more embarrassing details of our time together. 440 00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:34,862 - Oh, what? That you said, "condoms are a hoax"? 441 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,364 - I stand by that. - How about that you 442 00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:39,075 referred to my breasts as "fox and friends"? 443 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:40,985 - I forget which one's which. 444 00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,537 - I'm sorry, why are you bringing this up again? 445 00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:45,498 - Are you kidding? The whole scandal was great for me. 446 00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,250 It showed I was still a player 447 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:50,294 and that I actually paid someone for the work they did. 448 00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,922 - How about this? I don't want you to talk to me, 449 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,423 I don't want you to come near me, 450 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:58,052 I don't even want you to look at me ever again. 451 00:18:58,096 --> 00:18:59,512 - You mean, you want to get married? 452 00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,597 - Goodbye, donald. 453 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,391 [disconnected beep] 454 00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:04,350 [laughter] - jimmy! 455 00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:06,144 - Oh. What do you want? 456 00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:09,105 - Well, I want to recreate 2016 457 00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:12,108 and I need some third-rate tv host like billy bush 458 00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:14,527 to have a gross conversation with me 459 00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:18,364 that will destroy his life while I emerge unscathed. 460 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,616 It's a win-win. - How do I win in this? 461 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,368 - Well, I mean, for me. It's two wins for me. 462 00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,370 - Oh. - I get to stay president 463 00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:27,039 and have a disgusting conversation. What do you say? 464 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,958 - Mr. President, you can't be here 465 00:19:29,002 --> 00:19:31,335 without being tested for covid. - Test me, test me. 466 00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,463 Don't be a wimp. Stick it up there. Deeper! 467 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,132 - There you go. Is that deep enough? 468 00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:38,509 - I haven't paid taxes in 15 years. 469 00:19:38,553 --> 00:19:40,094 - Yes, I read that. 470 00:19:40,138 --> 00:19:42,463 - I owe the russian mob a billion dollars. 471 00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:44,932 - Why are you saying this? - I think the swab 472 00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:47,143 turned off the part of my brain that lies. 473 00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,604 - Oh! Keep talking. - Hydroxychloriquine 474 00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:52,398 is only good for killing weeds and erections. 475 00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:54,525 - I had a feeling. - Get it out! 476 00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:56,569 Okay, where--where were we? - I don't know. 477 00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:59,113 - Oh, yes, yes. Let's ruin your career. 478 00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:02,491 Which me too did you find the most unfair? 479 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,161 For me, it was cosby. - Oh, my god. 480 00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:07,872 - Here's where you giggle and egg me on. 481 00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,498 - No, I'm not gonna do that. 482 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,459 - I was never a fan of fat albert, though. 483 00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:14,670 You know, you can't put someone that fat on tv, 484 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,881 even animated. It's unfair to the viewer. 485 00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:19,291 - I really have to get going. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 486 00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:22,428 How about the tomb of the unknown soldier? 487 00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,431 Maybe if he had done something a little more brave, 488 00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:28,351 we'd remember his name, right? - Yeah, I'm gonna leave. 489 00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:32,063 - Hold on, hold on. Amber alerts--how annoying, right? 490 00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:34,273 Just because amber's day is ruined 491 00:20:34,317 --> 00:20:36,400 doesn't mean mine has to be. - Okay, yeah, I'm going. 492 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:38,236 - Handicapped spaces 493 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,404 should be further from the front of the store. 494 00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:44,200 It's much easier to roll than to walk. You laughed! 495 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:46,035 - I did not laugh. - I heard it! 496 00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:47,453 He laughed! He--he laughed. 497 00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:50,331 ♪♪ 498 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,380 - you're my last shot. Billy. Billy? 499 00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:58,839 Can I come on the bus? 500 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,466 - I really can't do that, sir. 501 00:21:00,510 --> 00:21:02,468 - Why not? Look at all the press we got. 502 00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:04,336 Everyone was talking about us. 503 00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:06,973 - I don't think my sense of shame would allow it. 504 00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:09,183 - Let me talk to this shame guy. Who is he? 505 00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:11,102 Does he want a medal of freedom? 506 00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:14,230 - Look, shame is not a guy. Shame is the thing we all feel 507 00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:16,640 when we've done something we aren't proud of. 508 00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:20,361 - Oh, like when I had eric. - Sir, I'm very busy. 509 00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:23,030 - Wait! I love your show! I could help you! 510 00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:25,408 I have the peepee tape. I didn't want to do this, 511 00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:27,326 but you're a tough negotiator. 512 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:30,621 All I ask is that you blur out the person doing the peeing. 513 00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:34,000 It would kill rand paul's family to see him like that. 514 00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:34,667 [disconnected call, dial tone]